i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
