as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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