9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
