I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
