no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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