Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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