Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
