the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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