my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
