There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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