i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
