I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Randomize
