i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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