Apparently you make a good broom.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
