i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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