chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
