dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
