I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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