im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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