I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize