if you like me you must not know who I am
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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