there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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