six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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