I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
