My girlfriend figured out who you are.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize