i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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