Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
