dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
