she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
