i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
