I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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