Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
