Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
