she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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