and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
she told me i tasted like america
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
