the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
