just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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