The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
