Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
