I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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