so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
