I just cut my nipple shaving
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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