Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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