The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My ass is underappreciated
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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