Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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