I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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