yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
