Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
