he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize