his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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