i think my tv is drunk
Nicole vs. Life
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
