I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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