i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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