I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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