She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
