Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
